Day 28: Of Circles, Lines, and Points

Sundial

"When you actually arrive at a choice-point, I will show you which direction to go....

I will not leave you circling in deeply rutted paths.

Instead, I will lead you along fresh trails of adventure,

revealing to you things you did not know."

 

~ From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, reading for October 27

For someone who struggles with OCD-like tendencies -- repetitive thought patterns, the need to check and re-check if something is done or not, sometimes even doubting the present reality out of a fear of the unknown, both past and future -- my faith as a believer in Jesus Christ has often come under attack.

Salvation, the most beautiful and important gift ever given (let alone given freely, and extended to all), has often become an object of fear for me, which I admit with some embarrassment, even shame. They are panic-laden thoughts, these, not rooted in faith. What if I missed something? Have I actually received what You have already given, especially if I can't pin-point when I first believed? Am I allowed to "go forward" (no matter how much I may want to), if I'm still too afraid to consider that life-changing moment and all the time beforehand without You in it? (Was it really a moment? And weren't You already there?) Etc. You can see where these questions lead...to more and more questions. And the so-called "answers": their focus is self-ward, not God-ward, and their tendency is to go back to the past, again and again, hindering any brave attempt to go forward...in step with the One Who leads the Way.

In times like these, I find great comfort in Scripture, particularly those passages that challenge my understanding of "how" and "when," of those various "choice-points" in our lives, as well as my very perception of time itself. How profound is the blind man's explanation of the miracle of his sight: "But one thing I do know, that whereas I was blind before, now I see"! So, too, is Christ's acknowledgment of this mysterious truth: that no one can even come to Him unless the Father "draws him," giving him the desire to come in the first place. And our very first breath of saving faith, a faith that then leads to more faith: this comes from God alone, the Author-Finisher of our faith, the Creator-Savior of mankind, the Alpha-Omega of all there is, was, and ever will be.

Often, I think this particular "fear" of mine is unique to me. Maybe it is. But sometimes, I wonder if I'm really alone. Just how much of this is the "OCD" talking? Or possibly the way my female mind works, more relational (or "circular") in understanding, perhaps, than it is sequential (or "linear")? Of course, Satan will try to do everything he can to keep me from living the life Jesus died to give me, and as a new believer, I still have a long way to go before "perfect love" (which "casts out fear") is fully developed within me. Nonetheless, even in the midst of my fears, my heart still knows that Jesus Christ is the answer. That His Word is Truth. That His ways are higher than my ways. That I can't possibly understand exactly how or when He moves in my life. And that this very conviction -- not in myself, but in Him -- comes only from God.

And ever so gradually, I'm learning to let go of my need to understand that which already is: Emmanuel.

God is with me.

Hallelujah!

"When I'm lost in the mystery

To You my future is a memory..."
 

Casting Crowns, "Already There," Come to the Well

Thank You, Lord, that "You're already there..."
 

Healed By His Wounds

 

For more in this series,

"Where Depression Meets Grace: 31 Days in the Hands of the Healer,"

click here.
 

~ Heading over to Playdates with God and Soli Deo Gloria